Fairfax, VA, USA. The sea change came quickly once I made my decision. The ocean that crested above me passed, tumbling me towards the sandy beach. Life crashes all around us unfettered by our desires.

What you may intend and what may actually occur oft-times are two separate things. Agendas revise quickly. Life is much more fluid than any one of us might suspect. Certainly more fluid than what the experts would tell you. As the journey continues, even more changes will occur.


On this side of the divide there are subtle differences and some not so subtle. Change management works better for organizations than it does for individuals. You can restructure your business, control the impact of change, move as quickly or as slowly as you need but not, well, me. And now great seer, soothsayer, sage and former financial adviser to the Greek government, if this all sounds like a set-up for a list of some sort, you would be correct. If you don’t like it, and you may not, of course, well then, as Johnny Carson might say, you can walk a mile under a diseased camel. [cf. Sidebar]



Carnac the Magnificent was a recurring comedic role played by Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson.

One of Carson's most well known characters, Carnac was a "mystic from the east" who could psychically "divine" unseen answers to unknown questions. As Carnac, Carson wore a large feathered turban and a cape.

If a joke (often a very bad pun) generated a negative response, Carnac would give a disapproving look, then cast a comedic "Middle Eastern curse" upon the audience, such as:

"May your favorite daughter be featured in NFL Films' Sack of the Week."

"May a bloated yak change the temperature of your Jacuzzi"

"May your only son become the goalie on a nude hockey team"

"May you walk a mile under a diseased camel"

— Adapted from WikipediaAfter the sea change, I am intimately concerned with the number of rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom. As I write this, there are one and one-half rolls in the upstairs bathroom with 24 to 48 more stored in the linen closet as back-up. I am much more comfortable when the number of back-up rolls is greater than a dozen. This is Metropolitan Washington — who knows when a half-inch of snow will fall and keep me snowbound in my house for a week.

After the sea change, I use a lot more moisturizer than I did before my skin soften. I notice when my skin is dry.

I don’t like dry skin.

Or wrinkles for that matter.

After the sea change, I have learned to make quick judgments about the men I meet in the public arena. I can no longer afford to give them the benefit of the doubt.

After the sea change, I have less muscle mass. I seem to be an inch shorter and I am weaker than most men. I can no longer take the physical chances I took before. A girl can get killed out here from a simple misjudgment of the intentions of a man you just met. Not all men are honorable, not all men are entirely rational. A woman has a split second to decide. Stay or walk away.

A woman cannot afford to be stupid or overly trusting. After the sea change, a brave new world of daily concern rears its demanding head.

Is my hair presentable?

Do my legs need shaving?

Why am I retaining water?

Hair must be washed, cut and styled. Legs must be shaved. Nails should be polished and make-up must be just right.

Accessorize! Accessorize!

Earrings (pierced or not), bracelets (single or in bunches), necklaces, diamonds, gold and silver, and where to attach your office security badge.

When was the last time I wore this outfit to work?

Can I get away with wearing it again today?

After the sea change, I have an annual appointment with my gynecologist. I have grown to know her intimately. Always chose a female gynecologist if you can. Their hands are generally smaller and more gentle.

The health plan computer starts emailing me to make an appointment about three months out — about the time I’m thinking about making the appointment for my annual mammogram. You wouldn’t think that a B minus cup could be squished that far.

You may feel a little discomfort. Try not to move until I tell you it’s ok. Hold your breath please.

Never go for a mammogram first thing in the morning. The rooms are cold and the equipment is cold. Mama never said that there’d be days like this.

After the sea change, I quickly learned to avoid getting hit in my breasts or catching them on door jambs. I wondered how it must be to live with very large bests (something I was never to find out).

I also learned not to spray a shower stream of hot water at my breasts. You only do that once. Or twice if you are really stupid.

After the sea change, I instinctively fold my arms over my breasts when I am cold. I soon noticed all the women around me reacting in the same way. Not a word was spoken between us but, in the cold, we had quickly become a group of folded arm women.

None of the men around us folded their arms. None of them. Nada.

After the sea change, there are many questions that are asked and answered of me many times. Repetitiously even

How quickly can I put my make-up on when I have overslept?

Why is there no earring in my left ear?

Am I cooking or are you?

How long has it been since I’ve been dilated?

Has the dog been out yet?

I can’t believe I am the only one who has noticed these things. But perhaps I am the only one willing to write about them in public.

Let the games begin.

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