is dedicated to the acceptance, medical treatment, and legal protection of individuals correcting the misalignment of their brains and their anatomical sex, while supporting their transition into society as hormonally reconstituted and surgically corrected citizens.
Arlington, VA, USA. No, I’m not talking about that tip, at least not now, perhaps in another column, but not here. If I learn of a real good surgeon who can help with that tip, making one that actually works like factory issue, I will let everyone know and all you guys can start sending in your deposit.
The focus of this column, however, is advice, clues, odd facts and informative tips that might be helpful for the transmen early in his transition.
Literally thousands of websites and millions upon millions of words exist that focus on helping Transwomen (ugly word that), Women born transsexual, through transition and beyond, but tips for Transmen are hard to find.
Until now.
My diligent staff has spent the last few months capturing everything the newly identified transmen will ever need to know about being a man.
Not just the easy stuff like “Leave the toilet seat up” but the more obscure manly arts like burping and farting.
Here are some of the basics:
Scratch. Anywhere, anytime, anyplace. Preferably where you can demonstrate the size of your manhood to a group of women that does not include your mother.
Drink beer, a lot of it, a six pack, at least, but none of that swish light beer stuff, real beer. Drink a lot, drink often. When nature takes its course and you have to go looking for a urinal, announce loudly that you have to see a man about horse or sagely observe that beer is chock full of vitamin P.
Same goes for hard liquor. Drinks that come with fruit, plastic animals, or umbrellas are out, as is anything that is sweet or a color other than clear or a shade of brown. Blue is out unless you are a Klingon or really do want that other cute boy down the bar to hit on you.
Complain about your hangover at work the next day and brag about how bad it was next week at the bar when you drink with your buddies.
Burp. In public. Loudly. Don’t apologize.
Same goes for farting. When one of your male buddy farts, makes you comment on badly it stinks.
Stare at women. All the time. Big ones, short ones, skinny and fat ones. Stare at their breasts, compare their sizes, debate your buddies on who is more stacked and who puts out.
Don’t go shopping with your friends. Men don’t do shopping. Plan your trips to a grocery or department store like a military mission. Get in, get out, get a cold beer back home.
When you do go shopping visit the right aisles. Men like the beer aisle, not the one with diapers. Find a web source for feminine hygiene products if you still need them so that you won’t be seen examining the Tampax or Always for the best buy.
Your color scheme of life is now basic: red, white, blue, green, black, brown, purple, and yellow, the colors of a basic set of preschool crayons. No scarlets, no royal blues, no egg shell whites. No turquoise except if you are from New Mexico. Brown is brown and red is red. The only exception is that you may know your college or professional football team colors (e.g., Redskin burgundy and gold).
Clothes are no longer “cute” or “darling.” Men wear shirts and pants, not tops and bottoms.
The most shoes you can own is one pair for work, one for non-work hours (preferably expensive running shoes), work boots, and a pair of dress shoes if for some reason your work shoes won’t work for a wedding or a funeral. Slippers are not needed (unless given to you by your wife or kids) and flip-flops are unneeded if you don’t plan to go to the beach. If your work shoes are brown, your dress shoes should be black; other than that, no bright or flashy colors (and do I need to say that men wear shoes, not flats, not heels, not platforms, not peep toes, not pumps or wedges?).
Change your underwear at least twice a week. You no longer wear “panties” (unless you are a female to male transvestite and that is just too hard to wrap your brain around).
Look uncomfortable in the present of an infant human. Even more uneasy if you are asked if you want to hold the baby. Look like you are about to drop the child if, for some reason, you actually end up holding the baby. Do not coo.
Chew your nails. No manicures, no pedicures, no nail polish unless you want to be one of those new men that are made over by Queer Eye and such. If you forget and do have your nails done, stay out of sports bars for your own safety.
Read and memorize Football for Dummies so you can join with the other guys at work after the big game. Don’t admit that you don’t understand or, even worse, don’t like football.
Ditto for basketball (but Basketball for Dummies instead of pigskins).
Assume that all women are just waiting to go to bed with you. Hit on them at every opportunity.
Grope. Women. Whenever you think you won’t be caught or have plausible deniability that it was an accident.
If you prefer to grope men, don’t ask and don’t tell around other men. In private, outside of public scrutiny, groups of men generally are aggressively straight (no matter what their individual beliefs may be) and react to groping with physical violence.
Swear. Use the F word freely when you are among other men. Apologize if you use the word around women you don’t know or those who are your boss or might be sleeping with your boss.
Conversations should be brief. Grunt whenever possible. Your sentences should be short and to the point, avoiding qualifiers when ever possible. Be direct and monosyllabic if at all possible.
At business meetings, talk over women. Make sure that you get the last word in (this sometimes entails getting several last words in as multiple men will have the same goal).
At parties and family gatherings, do not join the women in the kitchen or offer to help serve. Join the other men either outside talking about sports or inside watching football.
Men generally don’t talk in restrooms or make eye contact with other men (unless they are looking for a hook up). Being read as a gay man in a redneck restaurant can be life threatening. A hostile men's restroom is not the place to explain that you are transitioning and feel yourself to really be male. Get out before something more than your ego is bruised.
Especially do not carry on stall to stall conversations in the men’s restroom.
If you have not had bottom surgery, be warned: the female genital anatomy causes a wavering whistling sound to occur when urinating (due to the position of the urethra opening and the outer labia). You can wait for the bathroom to become empty or you can sit closer to the front edge of the seat and slowly allow the flow to hit the porcelain (where a lot of men aim their stream when sitting in a stall).
Men drop their trousers all the way to the floor around their feet. Drop yours like all the other guys do when they sit to do their business.
A good big man can normally beat the crap out of an equally good small man. You don’t want to find out if you are the exception.
Learn to love your hairy body, shaving your face each day, and worrying about your receding hairline (did I forget to mention that testosterone causes male pattern baldness?).
Arlington, VA, USA. No, I’m not talking about that tip, at least not now, perhaps in another column, but not here. If I learn of a real good surgeon who can help with that tip, making one that actually works like factory issue, I will let everyone know and all you guys can start sending in your deposit. 
brain
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